Bad Hair For Life

Everybody has those moments, even the most calm of people do. You know those moments were you get so pissed off, you can feel your heart beat in your face. Now I am one of the most calm people you’ll ever meet, in my opinion. Even I have those moments every now and then; were you just feel the inner animal come out. I’m going to let you in on the top thing that can put me into a state of anger.

The key to sending me into this dark world instantaneously, is criticizing my hair. I know it sounds stupid, but you have to understand were I’m coming from. I have a grandmother, who could be the older version of Satan himself. As a child I always like to wear my hair longer, but to her a military cut was the only style. Every time I would go visit her she would go and take me to get a hair cut. Even on a Sunday if the barber was closed, she would call him up and make me an “emergency” appointment.

I recall one time during the Easter season my family was going to go up to visit my grandmother. The day we were going up to have lunch with her; I had to get up early to get my hair cut. I remember complaining about going so early to the barber, but my mother said “get your hair cut now or your grandmother will throw a fit and cut it anyway.”

When I showed up to her house she didn’t say anything to me for a while. So I thought she might be happy with my hair for once, wrong. After lunch she announces to family she was going to run to town; she said she was getting ice cream, so of course I was down for some ice cream. It was looking like a good day, then we turned off in a complex that looked all to familiar. It was the barbers, I was getting two hair cuts in one day, and this time I was getting a complete shave. There are some people that can pull off the shaved look, then theirs those that can’t. As you guessed I’m one that can’t pull the look off, I looked like a creature from Star Trek. She pulled the ultimate low thing tricking me with ice cream, to this day I still get suspicious when people suggest to go get ice cream.

When ever I gathered up enough courage to refuse a hair cut, I was side swiped with remarks about how only hippies have long hair, or I will remain alone the rest of my life because women would find me repulsive. She would also say stuff like unsuccessful people, and dirty people wore there hair long. It would be one thing if I had my hair growing all the way down my back, but just a little shaggy is a whole other story, plus you don’t talk to a child that way.

I always vowed once I could out smart her I was going to throw it in her face hard core, but as I got older I started to shrug it off more and more. Then graduation came along, she made a huge deal about it right out in the parking lot. I stood outside of school in my gown; I was taking pictures with some friends, and she walked up in between them. She looked right at me and said “I see you’ve done nothing with your hair.”

Her first words weren’t even congratulations, or good work on graduating, they were directed about my hair. As we slowly walked towards her car, I could feel my pulse in my hands from being so mad. The whole time walking there she told me suggestions’ how to fix my hair, and told me to come visit so I can get “a proper hair style.” So I snapped and told her in the kindest way possible to “Kiss My Ass!” Next time I saw her I had a full beard and shaggy hair like usual, and not one thing was mentioned about it.


My parents didn’t even care that I snapped on her. In fact they stopped trying to tell her to lay off my hair, because she would go off on rants about how there parenting skills are terrible, and there raising a redneck. Plus it wasn’t unusual to have family members snap on her; my dad would go off on my grandmother about once a year.

You figured when her own family told her that she was intolerable it would sink in, guess not. I’m hoping that me blowing up on her will sink into her thick skull to treat family kinder, not, she’s old and set in her ways so it will probably have to become a yearly thing.

Lots of things irritate me, but hair comments will piss me off faster than anything. It especially pisses me off when it is spouted from my grandmother’s mouth. People can bring up stuff negative about my hair, I’ll let it slide a few times, but anything after that is going to have a reply along the lines of “shove it were the sun don’t shine.”